confused; conflicted; loving it.

So much has been happening lately that thinking about it all literally makes my head spin!  I’m not sure if all freshman are feeling this, but I feel like I’m at the climax of a story. I guess it sort of is the climax of the semester with midterms coming up and all…I don’t know.

The past month has been a period of trial and error. Trying different study habits, foods, classes, friends, places, and more – and finding out which things work for you, and which don’t. The hardest part of it all is to differentiate between what you want, and what others want for you. And just as others “want” certain things for you, they don’t want other things [for you].

But who are they to choose? I personally don’t want to make choices for others, or because of their influence. Whether those others are my new/old friends or my own family, I want to do what I do for me. I want to be totally convinced and content with myself and my choices. I want to feel like I am actively choosing, not abiding or conforming. Perhaps I want too much – perhaps I’m being unrealistic. Maybe it’s not even possible to truly do only what you want/believe. But I am an idealist, and I’d like to try.

Thus, my goal is clear. I know I want to “do me”…to be me. But achieving said goal is so much harder than it seems – because I don’t know me yet! This month – all of the trial and error – has shown me that I don’t actually know what I want. Professionally or personally. I’m both confused and conflicted. I’m so indecisive that it’s borderline psychotic – really. But that’s okay! Because finding myself will take time. And I have a lot of time.

I really hope my posts aren’t starting to seem repetitive…but this is really what I’m going through – this is my struggle. Finding and defining me.

Does searching for myself mean that I’m letting go of my culture? Abandoning tradition? I don’t know, to be honest. I know there are parts of my culture I would like to abandon – to forget wholly about. But there are other parts that bring tears of happiness to my eyes. Sights and rituals so beautiful I can’t help but feel calm, serene, and at home when I think of them.

I don’t think I could be “Americanized” in the first place, because I grew up here. If anything, I’ve long since been Americanized. No hope for this one ;)

I do, however, think I’m being challenged here. ‘Here’ could be the college environment, it could have to do with the entire country, or with Emory itself – but it could even just have to do with the stage of development I’ve naturally reached. Regardless, I am here now, and I am being challenged. Challenged to look at the same things in several new lights – from several standpoints – and to eventually choose the standpoint I support, even if it’s totally my own. I’m being challenged to make those choices.

48 Hours Later….

I finally have a quiet minute on campus! Well…kind of. Currently sitting at Starbucks drinking a Caramel Macchiato – loud music and the buzz of people talking – but I’m sitting alone and absorbed in my laptop…so I guess that’s why I feel calm.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s been absolutely great so far! I am just so exhausted, and am feeling so overwhelmed by the countless opportunities being presented to us. It’s funny how good things can stress you out too.

First thing’s first: EMORY IS AMAZING! I am so happy I chose this school – correction – I am so thankful that God chose it for me. I feel so welcomed! From the minute I was being helped unload my stuff into the dorm, to orientation activites and games yesterday, to asking anyone to help you with anything. Its only been two days, but I feel myself becoming part of the Emory family… and it’s happening so fast! I’m now a part of  TWO great families ;)

I actually cried when my mom and I first pulled up. A group of upperclassmen who were helping freshman move their stuff in ran up to our car and cheered and jumped when my mom told them I was a new freshman. Their reaction surprised me I guess…or scared me…and I suddenly found myself crying! Thankfully I had sunglasses on and it went unnoticed.

After moving all my stuff into my dorm, and instagramming a pic or two, my mommy left! She hugged me tighter that she ever has. She said that I was “all grown up,” and that I had to make my own decision now. We both cried…that and she only lives 20 minutes from me!  I don’t know how others are handling being hundreds of miles from their families. Separation is hard whatever the distance I guess…we’re just not at home anymore! We have a new home… (of course I get to cheat and go to my real home on weekends to see my mommy and siblings, but thats a blessing I’ll only have for this year! Alhamdellah – thanks to God).

My roommate is great. She’s sweet and down to earth, and she’s gorgeous. We’re getting along wonderfully and pretty much have the same views on the big issues – which makes living with someone that much easier.

I’m slowly meeting other people. My guess is that once we start classes and get involved in campus activities and clubs, it will be easier to meet people that you share interests with. I’m not worried though…my incoming class alone is 1,300 students! That was the size of my entire school in Jeddah – K through 12!

Dorm beds aren’t thaaaat bad, and neither is the food. Life is good. It’s about to get a whole lot busier. Tomorrow I meet with my advisor and I schedule my classes the next day. Classes will start Wednesday. I’m also currently looking for a part time job. Add extracurriculars to that and I think it equals no sleep! Coffee I suppose is the solution? Or Time Management? Maybe both.

Sending love to you all from beautiful Emory…